The Buddamom

APRIL NEWSLETTER

Have you ever woken up in the morning feeling like you just can’t take one more request, one more challenge, one more anyone needing anything from you? I woke up like this Wednesday morning. I was ready to bite the head off of anyone that created the least bit of irritation. After almost telling off my publicist at Tarcher I decided that I’d best not answer any emails for the rest of the day. Nicole and I went off to an appointment, which we thought was at 9:00 AM but halfway to Santa Rosa Nicole figured out it was at 1:30 PM. Having woken up early for this appointment and given my current condition I was in no mood to hear this bit of news. So we stopped at my dads, I dropped off Nicole, my dad took over bringing her to the 1:30 appointment and I went to do errands in Santa Rosa. On the way to the mall I called my best friend on the cell phone. He listened while I bitched and bitched about all the things bothering me. As I was talking I realized what the problem was. I had caretakers overload. It had been so long since I had this I didn’t even recognize the symptoms. Somehow being able to release the poison and have it transformed by a gentle ear brought me to the place where healing begins.

Tell me if this sounds familiar: I got so caught up in taking care of Nicole, doing twice the laundry, all the lifting and moving, cooking and feeding, stretching the boundaries of my home and life that I forgot to take care of myself. Isn’t that like a mom? We give, with joy or without joy, the best of what we have and often become depleted in the process. I love that Nicole is moving in with me, that we are sharing this pregnancy, that my daughter is being initiated into motherhood, womanhood. At the same time, my quiet, orderly life has been thrown into disarray. When mothering calls us our lives become full, which has its benefits and its problems. Even when we embrace the fullness, and I do, we need to also honor the letting go the fullness requires of us.

What a gift a true friend is! It is not everybody who could listen while I complain without judging me or trying to fix me. It reminded me of how healing listening really is. It also reminded me of the importance of not pretending to be perfect and peaceful all the time. There is a misconception amongst many spiritual communities that the shadow is to be avoided at all costs, that to be “spiritual” one needs to be at peace. But real life isn’t like that, as we moms know. Some days we just want to bite someones head off, or stay in bed and pull the covers over our heads. Feeling like that is human and normal. Where spirituality comes in is how we love ourselves unconditionally as we have these feelings, how we know we are feeling that way and, instead of projecting the feelings onto the people in our lives, realize that this is an opportunity to do some spiritual inner housecleaning.

Our shadows bring gifts finer than silk or gold or diamonds when we allow them to emerge. The Buddha said that the most auspicious birth one can take is in the human realm. When we are in too much pain we are just surviving and don’t have the time or energy to change. When we are feeling just pleasure we have no desire to change. It is in this human realm, where we feel both pain and pleasure, that we can attain enlightenment. The painful things in our lives can bring us closer to freedom if we allow them to. Allowing these painful feelings to arise while being conscious brings us quickly to insight. In order to relax while feeling angry or jealous or greedy we need to love ourselves unconditionally. Sometimes our child expresses anger, do we condemn them? Of course not. We may discipline their behavior but we remain steadfast in our love of who they are. We need to give this to ourselves as well. Sometimes I’m pissed off, sometimes I feel grumpy, sometimes I just want everyone to leave me alone. Yet, I am a deeply loving person who cares, who is growing, who appreciates this precious life. Through the unconditional love of our friends and the willingness to face our shadow we can flower.

Jacqueline Kramer