The Buddamom

MARCH NEWSLETTER

Sometimes life just takes us and shakes us to our core, not very comfortable but a brilliant opportunity to see what we're made of. This February was such a month for me. Throughout the month my health was steadily decreasing until, about the middle of the month, I could no longer get out of bed and my breathing was labored. It's times like this that one thinks of the fragility of the body and the inevitability of death. I tried all the holistic methods at my disposal and finally called Kaiser. At Kaiser I was diagnosed with walking pneumonia and given a stiff dose of antibiotics. Returning home I received a call from my daughter Nicole. She was in tears as she told me that she was pregnant. I told her I would support her, whatever her decision. The next day she called and said she wanted to keep the baby. And then later in the day she called in tears again saying the father of the baby was threatening her if she didn't abort the child. She decided that she didn't want to bring a child into the world under such hostile conditions. I was still too sick to visit her so I just listened and gave what support I could. I told her that if she was going to have an abortion I wanted her to be home so I could watch over her during the process.

Nicole came home and the next morning we went to Kaiser for the medical abortion. We were sitting in the waiting room when a young white mother came into the clinic with her mixed race child. The child within Nicole was also mixed race so it really caught our attention. This adorable child came up to Nicole and pointed to a D on Nicole's sweatshirt and said, "My name starts with D. Nicole asked her what her name was and she said, "Destiny". Nicole and I looked at one another, both knowing something mystical was happening. The young mother and I talked and she told me that she had her child when she was in high school, that the father of the child left when she became pregnant and that, although it's been hard she wouldn't change her choice to have this child for the world. She told us that she was now in another relationship and pregnant, that Destiny was just what she needed to take her life more seriously.

Nicole and I walked into our doctor's appointment in an altered state. I asked Nicole if she was sure she wanted to go through with this. Nicole told me that she was still ambivalent. We asked the nurse practitioner how long she had to decide whether or not she was going to have the baby. The nurse said she had till March 9. We asked if we could talk with someone and within 5 minutes we were in the office of a warm vibrant young social worker. She asked Nicole how she felt about having this child and had her track the path of both giving birth and abortion. Nicole told us that her heart wanted to have this baby but her head said it was not a good thing to do. When asked what the hesitation was she told us she was afraid of doing this alone and of the possible abuse of the father of this baby. The social worker told us that there were papers the father could sign which would relieve him of any responsibility, the reason for his fear and abusiveness, and of any power. I told Nicole that she wasn't alone, that I would be with her all the way. We walked out of the office with the decision to put off having the abortion for a week and to try on what it feels like to be having this baby.

In preparation for the abortion I went to the Agoatintheroad website to read what Yvonne Rand had to say about abortion and how to grieve this loss. I had known for years about her ceremonies on grieving and releasing children lost via miscarriage or abortion. I wanted to read what she had to say about the subject. On the website is a paper she wrote entitled "The Buddha's way and abortion: loss, grief and resolution". What jumped out at me from this article was her statement that, "I am anti-abortion and pro-choice". In this she summed up for me what I had been struggling with since becoming a Buddhist practitioner. From my perspective we are gifted with the opportunity to bring another being into the world when we become pregnant-planned or unplanned. To follow through with this is to say yes to life. On the other hand, it is not my place to tell another person what they should do, that is arrogance. When I look at the people who are fighting for what they call "pro-life" I am struck by how many of them are more interested in having others live out their beliefs than they are in the gentleness and goodness of non-harming. If they were truly so deeply interested in non-harming they would also be vegetarians, be anti-war and would devote most of their time and money to supporting those children who come into the world and need their help.

On the other hand, many of those who advocate for abortion are what I would call spiritual materialists. They disregard the miracle of life that has been set in motion. When Nicole and I told members of the family about the pregnancy they strongly advocated for abortion. I know that their impulse was one of concern for Nicole and I yet their information was on a purely material level without consideration of the spiritual miracle taking place. Many people from the intellectual culture do not have a deep relationship with the unseen. I have been cultivating a relationship with the unseen, call it God or Spirit or the ground of all being, and have learned that the right choice is not always the easiest choice. I've learned to listen to that quiet voice within which whispers, "I am your source. All substance comes from me. Have faith in the unseen and move ahead." It is what Jesus was talking about when he said, "And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin and yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these." (Matt 6:28) . The spiritual materialist finds this view unfounded and unrealistic.

On the surface Nicole's pregnancy appears to be a great tragedy. Bringing a half black half white child into a world filled with prejudice, a girl of 23 pregnant without the protection and support of a loving husband and moving back in with her mother after setting foot in the wide world. It does not look good. But in my heart I know that Nicole will not only not suffer spiritually but grow much more greatly than she would were she to choose the option of abortion. I know that this is not the end of her life but the beginning of a journey that will not always be easy or comfortable but will be rich with love and lessons. Having this baby does not mean there will not be a man to love and protect her, it does not mean that she will not be able to develop a career. It means that she needs to grow in order to open to these things in her life and this baby will grow her. It is not my job to try and make Nicole's life free of struggle. It is my job to hold her hand through the struggle and remind her that life is good, regardless of appearances.

So, dear reader, as it stands now I am to become a grandmother. I joyfully embrace the miracle of life and know that life is good and unfolding just as it should-regardless of appearances.

Jacqueline Kramerd-regardless of appearances.