MARCH NEWSLETTER

LATE SEPTEMBER NEWSLETTER 2005

PRACTICE DURING HARD TIMES

Taking the trash out this chilly autumn morning felt like heaven to me. Smelling the last summer aroma of anise and the distinct fig tree perfume made me stop in my tracks. Standing there in front of the trash barrel I said a heartfelt prayer of gratitude. This has been quite an burly September. As the power and fury of Hurricane Katrina raged through the gulf coast I had my own private hurricane threatening my home and security. Sometimes darkness shakes us with rage and fury. Sometimes darkness seeps into our lives like a silent, narcotic vapor.

In an attempt to create more money I almost lost my home. I was introduced to a financial advisor by friends. They told me how he could increase my income. I trusted my friends and, after calling a couple of other references I decided to trust this advisor. Our most cherished hopes are the flip side of our greatest fears. After twenty years of being a single mom I hoped for support I could trust and feared betrayal and losing my home. The advisor played on my dream of having someone to trust and almost brought about my greatest fear of being out on the streets. At the last minute my gut tightened up and I did what I should have done earlier, call in another advisor to take a look at the deal and get a second opinion.

My body went into shock at the danger I had put myself in. I felt like a chick caught in a hawk's talons. Ashamed of myself for my chick-like naivety, every muscle aching from the stress I retreated to my bed coming out only to work out the details of the disengagement. I remembered what the esteemed herbalist, Juliette de Bairacli Levy, said about how she healed herself from typhoid fever. She fasted and pulled in her energy so that her body could heal. That is what I did. I only drank water and slept a lot.

My mind was obsessing on the danger I was in. I would awake in the middle of the night gripped with terror. I tried to meditate, I tried to pray but to no avail. My mind was just too gone, to out of reach, and I couldn't call in back in by myself. Spiritual practice has been the core of my personal work and my gift of service. Here I was unable to use my own tools! Desperately needing help I reached for guided meditation and dharma tapes I had collected through the years. I lie in bed listening to these tapes over and over.

These old friends helped me bring my mind back to the present moment. Foremost among them was a tape called "Cutting Through Fear" by Tsultrim Allione. In it she led the listener through a Tibetan practice called Chod. Chod practice was created by the female mystic Machig Lapdron. It takes fear and turns it on its ear. Our natural instinct is to draw away from fear. During Chod practice we embrace and feed our deepest fears. Just as pain is constriction at the point of the pain, fear is constriction around the object of fear. In Chod practice we release the constriction so that the area of fear can heal itself. I had plenty of fear to work with so I decided to use it. Just as my body needed the space to heal itself with its own wisdom, my mind needed space around the fear I was feeling in order to release it.

Everyday practices prepare us to deal with difficulties that come into our lives. Everyday practice becomes background music in our consciousness that sings sweetness into our calmer days and whispers to us on our dark, chaotic days. It whispers, "Remember who you are. Remember that everything passes. Remember that you are more than this passing fear."

We are never alone. Wise and compassionate teachers have provided us with tools and words to bring us safely to the next shore, no matter how wild the waters. I came out of this crisis quickly and the matter was resolved fluidly. Not only did I learn many valuable lessons, I was able to heal some old wounds. The turn around period from hell to stability was rapid. In four days I was able to go on with my writing and my life. This is the result of asking for help, pulling in to heal myself and spiritual practice. Each life situation calls for its own practice. Listening to our bodies, listening to our hearts and remembering to open ourselves to divine guidance will lead us to the support we need.

Jacqueline